


Someone to Look Up Too

by ModernFemMerlinSpy



Category: Youtube RPF
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, YouTube, book tour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-02
Updated: 2015-12-02
Packaged: 2018-05-04 13:55:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5336543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ModernFemMerlinSpy/pseuds/ModernFemMerlinSpy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes coming out does not just affect you.  How does Connor's video help out those around him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Someone to Look Up Too

**December 2014**

“… In true Connor Franta fashion, I’m gonna end this video like I always do because this is just another video.  It’s just another video where you found out a little bit more about me.” 

I ended my video by doing my usual ending and as I turned off my camera I started shaking.  I don’t think I can do this.  They are all going to hate me.  I will lose everyone, all my subscribers.  It was when I began to hyperventilate that I felt a hand on my shoulder. 

“You need to breathe Con,” my friend, JC, told me.  He and our other friend Kian Lawley had come over so someone would be with me while I filmed the video.  Well, it was more like they barged in and refused to leave, but whatever.  They may act like goofballs, but they always knew how to help.  “Just calm down, and breathe.”

“I’m breathing, I’m breathing. It’s just hard you know?  What if they all hate me?  What if they all stop following me?  What if I get a lot of hate?  What if…”

“They won’t stop following you.  I mean yeah, you are going to get some hate…  Ouch what?! I’m not going to lie to him!”  JC yelped after Kian wacked him on the back of the head.  “We all know it is going to happen,” he said, which really?  Not helping.  

“Dude.”

“I’m just saying.  Yes, you will get some hate, but you will also get so much support.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because people love you, you did not lose everyone when you left O2L, and you won’t lose everyone now.  They will support you, just like they support Tyler and Troye.  You don’t see them losing everyone because of who they love, and you won’t either.  And the hate?  Who cares, because the support of your friends and real fans will overshadow that.”

“Wow, that was deep JC.  Who are you and what have you done with our friend?” Kian asked, poking him in the face, while JC scowled and pushed the younger boy’s hand away.  I just laughed at their stupid antics, before frowning again, doubt creeping back up.

“I just… I just don’t know.  I don’t think I can do this man…”

“You _can_ do this.  If anyone can, it’s you,” Kian said seriously. 

“What does that mean?”

“I means you are strong enough to make it through this.  You were strong enough to come out and tell the world why you were quitting O2L, and you are strong enough to come out and tell the world that you are gay.”

I thought about it for a moment.  He was right of course.  Telling the internet I was quitting O2L was terrifying, but I managed it.  They still support me.  But is this the same thing?  Is telling them this the same as quitting O2L?  I realized I had been thinking out loud when JC answered me.

“No, it’s not the same, but it was still a big step towards a happier you, and so is this.”

“You’re right…” I tell him reluctantly, still completely doubting this whole thing, and completely willing to delete everything and stay in the metaphorical closet. 

“Of course I am, I’m always right,” he says cockily, only to be smacked in the head again by Kian.  “Dude!”

Kian just ignored him.           

“Ok, enough of the heavy stuff, you need to get out.  Sitting around here freaking out is doing you no good,” Kian told me, grabbing my arm and pulling me towards the door.

“Where are we going?” I asked, hoping he would stop so I could at least get my stuff before we left. 

Letting go of my arm, he turned around.  “We are going for pizza and to have fun.”

“And we are not coming back here until you have stopped freaking out,” JC said, shoving my phone and my keys into my hands.  When he had grabbed them, I had no idea.  Sighing in defeat, I had known these two long enough to know that there was no way I was getting out of this, I stooped down to put on my shoes and grabbed my jacket before following them out my front door. 

We all got into JC’s jeep and drove to our favorite pizza place near my house.  It’s this little family-owned pizza place and the pizza was delicious.  It was one of the few places I could go and not care about what I eat.  To my surprise Ricky, Trevor, and Sam were already there waiting for us. 

“What are they doing here?” I asked.

“We told them to meet us here.  What?  Did you think we were going to let you go through this without us?”  At my shrug, Kian just sighed.  “Dude, you’re an idiot.  You’re our brother, we are here for you, just like you would be here for us,” Kian said with JC nodding along.

I just smiled.  “You guys are the best,” I said, giving them each a hug.

“Okay, okay, enough with the mushy stuff, can we get pizza now?” JC asked with a smile.

We all got out of the car and headed over to where the others were sitting.  I hadn’t seen them in a while, so it was nice to just hang out eating way too much pizza.  We laughed and joked, and by the time JC and Kian were driving me back to my apartment, I had forgotten what I was scared of. 

Of course, that did not last long.  As soon as JC and Kian had left for the night, I realized that I actually had to edit my video if I wanted to get it up by Monday. 

“Okay Connor, you can do this.”

I set up my editing equipment and loaded the multiple takes I had done onto my computer.  I knew editing this video wouldn’t be too hard.  Nothing fancy, just talking to them.  Just telling them the truth. 

I’m gay.

* * *

 

I had just finished my homework when I got a notification from YouTube stating that my favorite YouTuber, Connor Franta, had uploaded a new video.  I didn’t really look at the title of the video, too preoccupied with being excited that he had posted. 

It’s not like he doesn’t post regularly. He has posted basically every Monday for as long as I have been watching him, starting with his O2L days.  For some reason however, I was even more excited for this video.  I felt like something big was going to happen today, something wonderful and life changing.  Of course, that could have just been because of the awful weekend I had.

This girl, Sara, who I have had a crush on for months just got a boyfriend on Friday and I don’t know what to do.  I mean, she is my best friend.  Ever since we met, it has been us against the world.  Kaylee and Sara.  No one else.  I hadn’t even known she liked someone and am kind of hurt she never told me.  Of course I can’t be mad at her for keeping secrets.  I have been keeping the biggest secret of them all from not just her, but everyone. 

As I pulled up YouTube and went onto Connors channel, I couldn’t help but hope that my suspicion would be correct.  That today, something big would happen. 

I was right. 

I’m pretty sure I watched the video at least four times before I could register what just happened. 

Connor had come out.  He had told the internet that he was gay. 

I kind of hated myself at this point.  If he could work up the courage to tell his secret to not just the people around him, but the whole internet, why couldn’t I even tell my family, or my best friend?  I know they wouldn’t care, or at least I hope they wouldn’t.  Oh maybe they would.  Maybe that is why I haven’t told them.  Something inside of me just knows that I would lose everyone if I told them. 

That’s ridiculous.  Your family loves you. They won’t care.  They have stated multiple times how supportive they are. 

Okay, so family is okay, but what about my friends?  They will hate me.  Think I’m a freak.  But would they really?  If they are really my friends, really care about me, then they won’t care right? 

I just have to take the risk.  Be like Connor.  Tell the world (okay, so not the world) the truth.

I’m gay. 

* * *

 

The Wednesday after I posted my video, I finally worked up the courage to leave my house.  It was not like I thought the entire world had seen my video and would stone me in the streets for it or anything.  But I was afraid of what those who had seen it would think.  I had avoided looking at the comments on the video since Monday, but my fridge was completely empty right now, so a shopping trip was a necessity. 

As I was walking towards the convenience store near my apartment, I felt paranoid.  I felt like everyone was staring at me.  I knew it wasn’t true, even if I do have some four million subscribers, I wasn’t conceded enough to believe everyone knew who I was. 

I finally got to the store and realized that I had no clue what the hell to get.  Grocery shopping has never been my strong suit.  Vegetables, I need vegetables.  Oh!  And tea, gotta love tea.  Can’t forget the coffee.  Maybe some chicken, chicken is always delicious.  Okay, so I really suck at shopping, but whatever. 

After I checked out and began to leave the store, I noticed this teenage boy, maybe 15 or 16, with long brown hair pulled back in a ponytail, staring at me.  When he realized that I had noticed him staring, he flushed and began to walk over to me. 

When he finally got up to me, he looked hesitant. 

“Hi,” he said in a quiet voice, clearly nervous about something.

“Hi,” I replied, giving a small encouraging smile, trying to ease his nerves.  I hated when people got nervous around me, I’m just me.  Just Connor.

“Umm, I just wanted to say, I saw your coming out video the other day and I wanted to thank you,” he told me in a rush.

“What?” I was stunned.  He was thanking me?

“Well, like you kind of inspired me.  Made me realize that being gay was not a bad thing.  That it was okay.  You gave me the courage I’ve been lacking to finally come out to my family.  I mean, that’s not even close to what you did, but…”

“Coming out to your family can be one of the hardest things to do.  Family and friends are the ones whose opinions you care about the most.  Trust me, telling your family and telling a camera, very different.  What you did takes a lot of courage, and I am so glad I could help inspire some of that courage,” I told him with the biggest smile on my face. 

He just smiled at me, eyes watering a little, which honestly caused mine to water also. 

“I have one question though.”

He looked confused but responded anyway.  “Yeah?”

“Could you take a picture with me so I can post it on Twitter?” He looked shocked, like he couldn’t believe that I wanted a picture with him. 

“Uh, sure, but why?”

“Because I have been terrified of how people would react to this, and you made me remember that this is not a bad thing,” I told him honestly.  By this point, the boy was full on crying and had the hugest smile on his face.  I’m sure we looked like total weirdo’s standing in the middle of the store crying, but neither of us seemed to care at that moment. 

After we had stopped crying I got out my phone and we posed for a picture even though it was completely obvious we had both just been crying.  After I took the picture, promising to upload it to Twitter when I got home, I surprised the boy even more by giving him a hug. 

As I pulled back I realized something.  “Wait, one last thing.  What is your name?”

“I’m Jay.”

“Well, it’s nice to meet you Jay, I’m Connor,” I said, holding out my hand. 

He just laughed.  “It’s nice to meet you too Connor.”  He looked down at his watch, eyes widening a bit.  “I have to go, my mom is going to be worried, but thank you so much.  For everything,” he said again.

“No problem, thank you.  Just DM me on Twitter sometime today so I can tag you in the picture.”

“I will, see you around Connor,” he said, waving.

“See you!”

As soon as I got home, I went on Twitter and noticed I had gotten a message from Jay.  I was so glad he messaged me.  I responded letting him know that I will always be here to help if he needs it. 

After I put my groceries away I uploaded the picture to my Instagram and Twitter, hoping Jay would see it.  He had done so much more for me than he realized.  Had given me the courage to look at the feedback the video had gotten. 

I hesitantly went onto my channel, pulled up the video and went to the comments.  There were thousands.  Reading through as many as I could, I was shocked to see that many of them were full of love and support.  Some of them were even like Jay, saying thank you for giving them the courage to come out to friends and family.  I’m pretty sure that I had not smiled that much in days.  I mean yeah, there were some haters, some homophobic assholes thrown into the mix, but the overwhelming majority of the comments were supportive.  JC was right (not that I would ever tell him that).  I could just feel the support coming from my subscribers, and it felt great.  I loved knowing that I no longer had to be scared to say it.

I’m gay. 

* * *

 

“Okay Kaylee, you can do this.  Just go in there and tell them.  Just look them in the eyes and say ‘mom, dad, I’m…’”

“Kaylee, who are you talking to?” my mom asked. 

“Shit,” I cursed under my breath, hoping she didn’t hear anything.  “I’m on the phone to Sara!” I yelled back.

“Oh! Well tell her your father and I say hi.”

“She says hi back!”

A few minutes later, after another – quieter – pep-talk to myself, I walked downstairs to the living room where I knew my parents were sitting. 

“Hey mom, dad, can I talk to you?  It won’t take long,” I hope.  My parents looked up from the TV and smiled at me. 

“Sure honey, you can always talk to us.  You know that,” my mom told me. 

I stood in front of them, too worked up to sit down.  I was fidgeting and could not look them in the eye.  I could tell they were worried, they had never seen me this nervous before.

“Is everything okay Kaylee?  Is there something going on at school?” my dad asked me. 

“No, no school is fine.  Everything is fine.  I just have something I need to tell you, and I’m not quite sure how,” I mumble.

“Just say it however you feel comfortable.  Maybe write it down, writing usually helps you,” my mom suggested. 

I knew I couldn’t write it down. Then there would be tangible proof, and I was not ready for that.  Suddenly though, I got an idea. 

“I got it. I’ll be right back.”  With that, I ran back to my bedroom to grab my computer and pulled up the internet.  After a few minutes of searching, I found exactly what I was looking for.  Smiling a little, I ran back out and found my parents exactly where I had left them. 

“Okay, just watch this video,” I said as I handed over my computer, where I already had Connor’s video pulled up so they couldn’t see the title.  When the video started, I began to fidget again, and mumbled that I would be in my room when they were done.  I couldn’t handle being in the same room as they watched the video. 

I was laying on my bed, blindly scrolling through Tumblr on my phone, listening to EXO, my favorite K-Pop group that I had found on YouTube, when my parents knocked on my door. 

“Come in,” I mumbled, turning off my music.  When they stepped into the room, I found I couldn’t look at them, so I just stared at my bedspread. 

“Kaylee?  Come on, just look up.  Just look at us, please,” my mom begged me.  She didn’t sound too disgusted with me, so after a moment, I finally chanced a look up at them.  I was surprised to see the happiness and acceptance on their faces, with only a tiny hint of shock.  At the looks on their faces, I burst into tears.  My mom and dad just sat on either side of me and hugged me.  We sat like that until I was all out of tears. 

“Do you hate me?” I asked quietly.

“Of course not honey, I mean, we are a little surprised, but it is okay.  There is nothing wrong with being gay,” my mom said. 

“We are 100% okay with this.  But just to let you know, when you get a girlfriend, I will still threaten them if they hurt you,” my dad said in all seriousness, but he had a smile on his face.

I just giggled.  “I know dad, I would expect nothing less.”  We sat there for a little while longer, just talking about everything.  I even got up the courage to tell them about my crush on Sara.  Strangely, they were not surprised at all. 

It was about an hour later when they got up, telling me to get dressed because we were going out to eat, anywhere I wanted.  As they were about to leave, I stopped them.  “Hey mom, dad.”

When they looked back at me, I told them the one thing I had never said out-loud before.

“I’m gay.” 

* * *

 

**April 2015**

I can’t believe this is happening.  I wrote a freaking book!  I’m going on a freaking book tour! People actually want to buy and read a book about my life.  I couldn’t really wrap my head around it. 

“Connor, I swear, if you don’t stop pacing and sit down, I’m going to slap you,” JC told me, sounding exasperated.  He and Kian had been watching me pace back and forth in their living room for the past half an hour.  I couldn’t help it though!  I was leaving for my book tour tomorrow and I was freaking out!  What if no one comes?  What if everyone that came hated the book and are only there to humiliate me? 

“Connor, that’s crazy, no one is coming just to humiliate you!” Kian said.  I really need to stop thinking out-loud.

“You really do,” JC laughed.  I just huffed at my friends.  “But seriously, you will be fine.  Everyone will love the book, it’s a great book. 

“How would you know?”

“Uh, you gave me a copy…”

“Well yeah, I know that, I just didn’t think you would read it,” I told him honestly.

“Rude, of course I read it.  You’re like my best friend, why are you so surprised that I read it?” JC asked.

“I for one am just surprised that you know how to read,” Kian butted in.  “Ouch!”

“Dick,” JC muttered while hitting him on the back of the head.

I just rolled my eyes.  Sometimes I questioned why I was friends with these idiots.  But on the bright side, I was feeling much better about the start of my book tour.  Actually, I had basically forgotten about all about my nerves while laughing at my friends.  Guess they just have that effect on people.

A couple days later, I was in Missouri, at the Mall of America for the tour.  Holy shit, there are a lot of people here.  It’s weird to think that they all want to see me, all want to read my book.  At the same time though, it’s extremely heartwarming.  They all like me enough to read about my life.  To learn more about my life than they already do from my videos. 

“Connor, are you ready to go out?”  My tour manager asked. 

“Yeah, just one sec.”  I stood there for a moment, trying to mentally prepare myself for this.  “You can do this Connor.  If you can go on tour and put on shows with O2L, you can do a book tour.  Okay, let’s do this,” I said to my manager. 

As I walked out into the store, I swear I momentarily lost my hearing, the crowd was going crazy.  There were so many people! I stood in front of the banner where the pictures would be taken just as the first wave of people came up. 

I was standing there for hours, smiling and talking to people about my book.  It was surreal.  Finally there were only one person left, a girl, maybe 16, who looked extremely nervous.  I just smiled at her, hoping to make her more comfortable.

“Hi, I’m Connor, what’s your name?”

“Uh, I’m Kaylee.  I, uh… I just really, um, really wanted to say thank you,” she stuttered.

I looked at her, kind of confused.  I mean, a lot of people today had told me thank you for writing the book, but it didn’t sound like that was what she was thanking me for.

“For what?” I asked gently.

“Um, well, because of your coming out video, I was finally able to work up the courage to come out to my parents.  I, uh, I actually used your video to do it.  I just wanted to say thank you, because without you, I wouldn’t have had the courage to tell not just my parents, but my best friend, and now we are dating and it’s really great and yeah… Sorry, I ramble when I’m nervous, but really, thank you,” she said all in one breath. 

I was stunned.  No one had really come up to me about my coming out in a couple months.  She kind of reminded me of Jay, the first person to thank me for helping them gain the courage.  I was beginning to tear up when I finally responded.

“No, thank you.  It is because of fans like you that I was able to work up the courage to make that video.  I was just hoping that I would be accepted by you guys.  I am so happy that I was able to give some of that courage back to you though.  I’m so happy for you.”  By that point, she was in tears too, so I just pulled her in and gave her a big hug. 

At that point, I heard a cough and looked up to realize that the photographer wanted to take our picture.  We both pulled away and smiled at the camera.  After he took the picture, I walked up and handed him my phone, asking him to take one more.  I noticed Kaylee looked a little confused so I just smiled.

“A keepsake for me as well,” was all I said.

We both smiled again as he took the picture and gave back my phone.  I turned to her and asked, “Is it cool if I upload this one to my Twitter?  I will tag you in it and everything.”

“Of course, that would be really cool,” she said.  By this point, my manager was walking over, telling me it was time to go so we could start towards the next venue for tomorrow.  I gave Kaylee one last hug and smiled.

“Thank you,” I told her.  She smiled again, before turning and walking out of the store, book clutched to her chest.  It is times like this, I thought to myself, when I remember that it is okay.  There is nothing wrong with me.  It is totally okay to just come out and say…

I’m gay.

**Author's Note:**

> I had to write this for a class project and decided to post it. I hope you like it! I promise, I do not know nor have I ever met any of these people, no matter how much I would like to. I hope you are having a fantabulous day!!


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